Are you gaslighting yourself?
Gaslighting is a term most of us have head of. It's insidious, emotional abuse, where the abuser uses minimisation and manipulation to make someone question their reality - their memories, thoughts and the events that take place.
Many of us mistakenly believe that only narcissists gaslight people, but in reality anyone can gaslight you, and sadly a lot of people are actually gaslighting themselves.
What does self-gaslighting look like?
Gaslighting yourself is a self-destructive habit where you question and doubt yourself and your dreams. Because you begin to believe that you aren't worthy of better things in your life, it erodes your self-confidence and blocks you from making any positive changes.
For me, after having a situation at work minimised and invalidated by a former leader, my internal dialogue went to:
"I am overreacting to my leader/ colleague's comments - I'm too emotional and sensitive at work / Maybe it's all in my head.".
It often starts because we’ve been attacked and manipulated to the point you start to doubt yourself and then you effectively start to sabotage yourself.
Some key signs you might be gaslighting yourself:
1). You make excuses for someone's poor behaviour.
This is where you make up excuses for people saying or doing hurtful things to you and blame yourself. Its where after you've been belittled for something, you go to thoughts like: "If I'd been more clear, they wouldn't have exploded like that."
2). You believe you're too sensitive.
For years, working in male oriented, heavy industry this was totally me. I felt that my sensitivity and vulnerability was a major weakness and I built up this huge barrier to protect myself. I was made to feel that my sensitivity was a big problem and that I needed to 'get over it' if I ever wanted to get ahead.
3). You don't trust your own judgement.
You feel like an imposter, second guessing yourself, doubting your inner voice and distrusting what your intuition is telling you.
4). You spend too much time in the past on your 'should's'
This one plays out where we are constantly reflecting on all the things we should have done differently. We do this one to avoid processing that we have experienced a form of abuse or injustice.
5). You constantly invalidate your own feelings.
Your emotions are valid and your feelings should never be disregarded. When you say things like "I'm over-reacting" or "This is not a big deal", you are manipulating your reality of how a situation made you feel.
6). You find ways to blame yourself
This is where you find yourself thinking about all the ways you brought other people's poor behaviour on yourself.
If you recognised these traits in yourself, you need to take action to move past this. Self-gaslighting starts to train your mind to put a negative spin on your experiences and you convince yourself that life could be worse or that you’ve made things up in your head.
How to stop gaslighting yourself
Becoming more aware of your thoughts and the signs that you are self-gaslighting is the first step to stopping.
The way you talk with yourself makes make a big difference in how you erode your confidence or empower yourself.
Self-talk is what psychologists call the inner dialogue you carry on with yourself. It’s usually filled with conscious and subconscious beliefs that started in your childhood.
It’s also a habit that you can reprogram if you want different results. You can convince yourself that you’re inadequate or you can remind yourself that you have the potential to learn and grow. Positive self-talk builds your confidence and makes it easier to persevere.
Learn how to take control of your self-talk. Try these strategies for becoming a better friend to yourself.
Tips to help turn your Self-Talk around:
Increase your awareness. The first step in changing your self-talk is becoming more familiar with it. Many of the messages you say to yourself are so automatic that they can escape your notice. Keeping a journal may help you to pay more attention.
Plan ahead. Have alternatives ready for the self-gaslighting patterns you want to change. Make a list of positive affirmations to replace your old put-downs.
Keep perspective on situations. Do you blame yourself for things that are beyond your control? Most events have multiple causes. Differentiate between taking accountability for your actions and beating yourself up.
Develop self-compassion. Be kind to yourself! Imagine you’re speaking to a close friend. Avoid harsh words or insults.
Try to find balance. Twisted self-talk tends to become more overstated as time passes. Stick to facts and make sure your statements are over-exaggerated.
Give yourself time. Replacing old negative messages with more supportive ones can take significant repetition. Be patient. In time your new messages will feel more natural and authentic.
Note: If you are really struggling with self-gaslighting and your negative internal dialogue, I really encourage you to seek professional support from a therapist.
